I would be lying if I didn't come home today after my last class, took a nap and then cried when watching the Notebook. It's been one of those kind of years at school, unfortunately. I was running on no motivation and I was severely lacking interest. Sure, I mostly liked my courses, but it was the whole experience of my first year of University that kind of sucked for me. I never involved myself, but I never felt like I wanted to involve myself. I seemed to be much more content to just come home and take naps and sleep away my days.
I'm not much of a person to go out and party and get drunk and all that jazz- but a part of me regrets that I didn't go to university outside of my home town, and experience the whole rez thing and being a stupid party girl. I feel odd admitting that at the end of this term, all I want to do is dress like a slut and get drunk. Oh, the things I crave.
Mostly I feel unsure about how I feel. How resolute?
Sometimes I don't even remember how to be motivated. I've been considering moving out, just to give me something to work for- rent, groceries, increased accountability. It would either be the greatest thing I've ever done, or the worst social experiment I've ever attempted. I can't tell. I shall continue to ponder this...
It's the strangest feeling, re-experiencing moments. They've become increasingly reoccurring.
This might sound morbid, but I was reading a journal that I was keeping in the fall, and I was reading the entry where I was talking about what it was like to see my best friend dead in a coffin. (I should really learn to be more sensitive.. but stoic it is), and I can't tell if I was trying to be poetic, or if I was just really out of it when I described her as "wearing cold". Any who. That inspired me to write a short, sweet (well, I guess bittersweet) poem (though I never see this as poetry, I just collect passing thoughts)
wearing cold
that's what you were
unwillingly you lay
bone chilled I stay
to make sure
you are
wearing cold
I don't know whether I should pity myself for such passing thoughts.
I guess I'm used to it. Sort of? Mostly? I think? I don't know?
-Happy Blogger
