I had lunch with a friend of mine yesterday and she had briefly mentioned that she'd read through the Hunger Games trilogy and how disappointed she was with where it went. I've only seen the movie once, and I think that it was due to the fact I hadn't read any of the books that I actually thought it was an okay flick. Actually, I think it was only because I disliked Jennifer Lawrence's character and didn't buy the connection between her and the Bridge to Terabithia kid that I couldn't get more enthusiastic about the whole thing. But that has less to do with the film making and mostly falls on the construction of the story. So pretty much it would be a wicked movie if the main characters weren't in it. ANYHOW. My friend was saying that the first book was great, but the other two were just kind of perpetuating a plot that had already played itself out. Something about Katniss and Peeta (PeeNiss from now on. I didn't come up with that, but it's awesome so bite me) having to return to the Games because they cheated or something the first time. Which is totally something you pick up on at the end of the movie with Donald Sutherland's Beard being all mad and growling. But I guess as much as it's obvious by merit of the fact there's a third book that the two survive to the end of the second book, it still comes as a massive bummer.
So what I'd like to propose is that instead of letting them live through the second book, Donald Sutherland's Beard (DSB) completely loses composure and as a dull, guttural roar emits from deep inside him, two massive, scabby batwings explode through his goofy wizard robes. As his human flesh ruptures to reveal the scaly, bark-like dermis of his true form and he triples in size, long, hard, obsidian spikes begin to extend from his hairline, up and back down to the base of his neck. His staff frozen in place by their paralyzing fear and the onlooking crowd attempting to flea in a frenzy, the bearded behemoth's jaws unhinge and a bone-chilling squeal erupts from the garrish maw. Lunging forward with nightmarish speed, DSB leaps up and above the crowd and takes wing, effortlessly speeding in the direction of the Hunger Games arena. Within seconds he's there and shattering through the sky barrier (cuz Donald Sutherland's Beard is magic, duh). Ruby-red eyes bulging with the intensity of his bloodlust, DSB soars over the leafy canopy of the expansive war zone, drawn to the warmth and innocence of the resilient teens. Finally spotting them from high above, his hellion wings collapse into his back and DSB hurtles at the heroes in a kamikaze death-plunge. Wings back out at the last second, he pulls an Iron Man and lands physics-defying-ly in front of PeeNiss, beating his gnarled hooves against his knotted, intimidating chest and releasing another supersonic screech. PeeNiss cling to each other and sob their last sweet nothings into each other's necks. Donald Sutherland's Beard abruptly and aggressively pins the two down with a single cloven hoof and slowly draws his mangled demon face to within an inch of theirs, desperate and tear-stained. With a grunt and an impossibly powerful thrust of his hulking body, PeeNiss disappears down the monster's gullet. The camera slowly pans up and away in an emotional crane shot as a quiet, defeated piano score plays over DSB munching and snorting alone. A muted montage of the spectators and citizens rolls, the piano still playing. They are mortified and in awe of what they've just beheld. A mournful violin joins the piano briefly as the montage fades to a shot of Donald Sutherland's Beard back in his human form, squatting naked in the middle of the forest. The camera steadily approaches him as he licks at what is clearly a teenager's shin bone. He turns to the camera as it nears him and wipes his mouth with his forearm. The score fades completely as he peers bemusedly into the camera and says, "The odds may not have been in their favour, but those childrens was sure full of flavour!!!" and beams widely. As unnecessarily cheerful trumpet music fades in, the old naked man rises to his feet and does a merry jig. Cut to the spectators looking on in horror. Cut back to DSB and his jolly, flopping old man penis. Cut to black. Credits.
Something like that.
Leave a comment if you have any ideas for other movies that could use a makeover,
Sad Blogger
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