There is every manner of man existing in the world today. There’s the gentleman, the jock, the scholar, the geek. But there is one man who appears within every culture and subclass. There is one species of male that every woman and in-law loves to hate. At the same time, he is also the most cherished and pre-eminent stereotype. He is the common slob. At first you may be wary of slipping into this lifestyle, but I assure you the benefits are well worth the few effortless changes required of you. You know your life would be vastly improved were you to eliminate all the time you spend tidying and organizing. You probably won’t miss the burden of decision-making and leadership either. Perhaps you are just ready to resign from the stress of maintaining a respectable reputation. As a lifelong slob, I guarantee this is the lifestyle for you. Simply put, the role of a slob will improve your quality of life and bring to your day-to-day routine a brand of happiness unlike any you’ve known.
The first and easiest step to becoming a slob is to shed that nasty habit of organization. If you usually keep your toothbrush in a rack or cup, try just leaving it on the edge of the sink. Instead of throwing your dirty clothes in a hamper, drape them over a chair. If you really want to go pro, just pile them in a writhing heap at the foot of your bed, or better yet, in the kitchen. You don’t want to go too crazy in the initial stages of your transformation. An irresponsible slob can easily eclipse himself and drift into Howard Hughes recluse territory. When starting out as a slob, simply try to ignore that tidy little angel on your shoulder. Knock over a waste bin or leave a dish unwashed, but remain in control. Eliminating these useless chores from your daily routine will provide you with the free time you’ve always longed for. You will finally be able to pursue such passions as staring emptily into space or drooling on the couch cushions.
You’ll then need to learn the art of indifference. This step requires a much larger commitment but once mastered is a key element of the slob’s arsenal. Every day your peers and associates look to you to make important decisions. It’s time to let go of that responsibility. Familiarize yourself with phrases such as “I don’t care” and “People don’t even know what an overseas logistics and exports analysis report is anyways”. When a colleague asks for your opinion on the latest terrorist bombings or the effects of natural disasters in tropical climates, modestly wave your hand and say: "Oh. Well it doesn't really matter, does it?". These blatant displays of unconcern will rapidly reduce your daily quota of critical decisions and overall level of stress. You will then be free to concern yourself with more important matters like which sauce you want with your chicken fingers. Chipotle barbecue? Sweet apple with plum? You could even go with the drool off the couch. It's your world!
Most importantly, you will need to sabotage your spotless reputation. You don’t want people insisting you host Scrabble night at your house. Perish the thought of your fiancée’s parents associating you with anything wholesome or good. A tainted reputation will afford you the freedom from your nagging in-laws you so desperately yearn for. This step requires constant vigilance though. When out with friends, subtly allow your caramel mochachino and that chipotle barbecue sauce to stain your clothing. If a lull comes over a conversation with your in-laws, let loose a blood-curdling belch. Belly-scratching and butt cleavage-exposing are also encouraged. If you can bear it, refrain from personal grooming too. Shaving, hand-washing, and toenail-clipping are a thing of the past. This is a new you, a new era! At this stage in your transformation you should be fully embracing the role. Without the need to impress or the perpetual stress of manners and social expectations, your self-esteem will be greatly bolstered. Free of these demands, you can now let your brain slowly turn to mush and live on in mindless bliss.
It’s plain to see the life of a slob is one to be envied. You’ve rid yourself of trivial chores and all those wasted hours spent cleaning and repositioning. You’ve completely abandoned that worried shell of yourself that would spend every day making other peoples’ decisions. You even managed to shed that old image that your peers held in such high regard. You're dressed in rags or not dressed at all, there is no pressure. Your teeth are running amok with coffee stains and your beard offers a delectable showcase of day-old crumbs and globules of ginger ale. Your boss doesn't even consider pestering you with his pesky odd jobs, he knows better. As the new slob you’ve become, you are now totally free. You can do as you like and like what you do. The best part is it hardly took any effort. Just three simple steps and you’re now a real man, an individual - a slob.
Your favorite slob,
- Sad Blogger
