Coming Soon: The In Between 2.0? Posted by Sad Blogger , 9.7.12 at Monday, July 09, 2012, in

I get paid to sit at a desk for ten hours and peruse websites that I'm hoping won't set off an alarm while occasionally crawling up to one of twelve floors to pick up or drop off mail. I'd like to draw attention specifically to the amount of time that I spend doing this. I've spent each of the past twenty-five days in my spacious, tidy, air conditioned office with its excellent view and I've only now had this revelation: I have absolutely no excuse not to be practicing this thing that I've proclaimed for so long to be my art.


(Writing, if you didn't catch it)


I had a minor panic attack/fit of depression the other day as I gleefully completed my five-year financial plan and upon checking the printed version for errors, was struck by the realization that I'm kind of going nowhere. I understand, of course, that I'm currently too young to feel as though I have nothing to look forward to in my life etc. However, as much as I want to return to school, I don't see that happening for another year or two, and if that's case, I will be entering school and either almost 23 or almost 24. Which would therefore have me graduating a four-year program at either 27 or 28. Now I don't know about you, but brushing up against the ol' THREE-OH and only just starting to step into the professional world makes me want to pull my own skin off with my teeth.

So taking all that into account, I've elected to commit to updating this thing daily. I know that I've most likely made similar promises before now, but this is the first time that I'm actually forced to sit in the same room for hours a day without the eternal distraction that unregulated internet browsing used to provide me with. But I want to practice "my craft". The major theme of my nervous episode had been my inability to stick with anything. I'm a quitter. The moment I feel the least bit disinterested or irritated or miserable about some preoccpuation, I immediately drop it and forlornly seek out the next new thing. Up until the last few months, though, I'd never seen it as a negative thing. Never saw it as quitting. I always thought I was just "being true to myself" and doing what I had to do to stay happy.

And that's where I start getting insecure. The result of me doing my utmost to stay happy is that I am happy. I've considered it to be taking a cue from Ayn Rand and her Howard Roark character.

[Enter identity crisis]

Now I'm thinking that I've just been avoiding putting any real effort into growing up and becoming a functioning adult.

Which is why I need to get back into this shit. It's what I do. I have my never-want-to-do-it-again phases, but it needs to be done. Whether I can get some kind of training eventually or just happen to have the luck to "break", it's only going to happen if I stick with it. So today, as you can see, is going to be another one of those long, pathetic, self-pitying, reflective hunks of garbage. Hopefully, though, it will grow to be something impressive and meaningful and perhaps even entertaining (god forbid).

Thanks for reading this if you did and thanks even if you didn't.
Sad Blogger.