Selfishness Part 2 Posted by Sad Blogger , 25.7.12 at Wednesday, July 25, 2012, in

I'm really starting to forget what I thought was going to be so complicated about articulating this damn thing. All it took was swapping some words out. Anyhow, everything below is literally copy+pasted from the end of "Selfishness Part 1" so if it feels like you're just kind of jumping into the middle of a conversation that makes no sense, try giving that post a read first.


All that being said, I originally sat down to write this dumb thing because I lost an entire night of sleep tossing and turning to the idea of how selfish it is to love another person. (That's where the problem was. I sort of landed on "selfish" as the default word for the concept I was trying to express. As concluded in the previous post, the word I was aiming for was "cruel") And when I say love, I mean that heartbreaking, obsessive, body-numbing, jealous, giggly, warm, uncomfortable, beautiful, aching kind of love that buries into your spinal chord and just absolutely destroys you piece by piece. But also gives you a reason to exist. That kind of love that replaces any need for religion or food or knowledge or movement. It's everything you ever need to know or think or experience. Having written all that, I don't like that I have to refer to it as "that kind of love". That's just what love should be.


Devastating.


So take all that into account and then mix in the often-truth of a line from Chuck Palanhiuk's Invisible Monsters: "The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person." I say often-truth because obviously, there are cases in which it's not. Now and then, a person happens to run into another person and they actually feel that devastating love for each other. So the torment is shared and balanced and mitigated like that. I think in most cases, though, love for another person just sort of wells up inside you until it becomes a structural hazard and needs to find somewhere else to go. And that's what I think my point is.


It's hard to conceive of a heavier weight to dump on a person than the rusty-barbed-wire burden of your own feelings. You know? All that broiling, bubbling shit just festering inside you is bad enough for you and you've had it building up over however long and had the chance to acclimatize to it. To unload that on another person without warning is just cruel. ESPECIALLY if they're not prepared to balance out that nonsense. Sharing you anger or your sadness or even your joy if you're one of those types of Joe Rinos...as sympathetic and compassionate as most people want to be...it's all just sort of overwhelming when we're all trying to sort through our OWN mess of emotions. So why do we expect something as painful as love to be any different?


Maybe I'm just a sociopath, but the thought occurred to me and I figured it was worth bringing up. Maybe tomorrow I can write a dissertation on why it's wrong to give children hugs or eat ice cream or laugh at funny things. I dunno.You only have yourself to blame if you're still reading. I hate feeling this way. I want to write angry things about superficial nonsense. Dear Diary, boo-fucking-hoo.


Give me another week and I'll be fine,
Sad Blogger